Dostoevsky said it best...

Fathers and teachers, I ponder "What is hell?"

I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.

As much as I curse love sometimes, and tell it to leave my heart...

At least I know I have love, and to love is to really know how to live.

A Question of Love...

Have you ever realized how similar the feeling of love is to the feeling of pain?  Perhaps the feeling is one and the same, as in the saying, "Love is pain."  Though we put the two in different classifications, the symptoms remain.  Fact is, love hurts.  Note the heavy feeling in your chest when you desire, and the tears in your eyes when you miss the one you care for.  How you feel when you can't have what you want is remarkably similar to the feeling you have when you've lost something you held so dear.

It's strange, because for the longest time, I forgot that pain.  Perhaps it's just maturity; I'm older now, and I realize that love isn't everything.  If I continue to think that life is just a bed of roses or a drop of honey, then nothing would ever get done, especially in the life that I lead.  Honestly, I think it was the drugs I did in the past that allowed those feelings to disappear.  Many times, I've said the reason that I even started was to forget, because of my past experiences. 

And for the rest of my life, I'll always remember what happened in my past, because it's neccessary for us to learn from our past to help us dictate our future.  Though I regret what I've done in my past, I can do nothing now but learn from it.  Well, so far, I'm learning pretty well.  Though I'm still a long way from discovering what my future has in store for me, I have a better handle of where I should be going.  Walking on the proper path, clearly noting the signs of knowledge and wisdom, and going where I feel that I need to be.

With that, I come closer to the day of St. Valentine's Day.  Our day to celebrate the concepts of romance and love.  The bond between two people, which we hope will be everlasting. 

Sure enough, there are those who find love, and celebrate it.  Just as surely, there are those who don't find it, and these people do one of two things:  mourn it, or stop caring.   Last year, I found myself in the latter category.  For whatever reason, I found that I didn't have the pain of love in my heart, and the holiday passed as another day, soon to be forgotten.

The year before, I had love, and celebrated in kind.  Details are not neccessary, but for me, it will be a day I will always remember.  Not everything between her and I was painful, and I pray that she found the day just as memorable.  Even now, when I look back on that day, I can't help but smile.  Never had I seen myself go so out of the way to show my love to someone, and I find it difficult to see myself doing so again.

Back to the present...

This year, the memories of love and pain have found their way to my heart again.  Feelings that feel so strange to me, because I haven't felt them for so long, and it's hard for me to interpret.  Many times over the course of my life, I've experienced the emotions of love and pain, and have written about it.  You may not think so, but to like is to love, and to lose is to still bear sadness. 

I've had my share of relationships, both one way and the shared bond.  Yet the feelings were the same, save one.

A long time ago, I felt this way, and over the course of time, found that our interests were different, and we went separate ways. On my part, I felt that I needed to mature.

Time passed, things changed, and over the course of time, we met again.  Once again, feelings resurfaced, and I'm faced with the same question. 

What is this feeling?

Love?  Pain?  In the past, I would have rushed into this head on, quickly determining that this was love, and just as effortlessly finding out that in the end, that all worldly love ends in the same way.  With pain.  For I am still young, and for me to find everlasting love NOW?  Could I be so naive?

To be honest, I wasn't going to write anything today.  Especially about the subject of love, which has become taboo in my vocabulary lately.  Why love?  This isn't the moment of my life to be considering love.  I have things to do, a future to grasp, and a life to live.  Looking back on my previous entries, I notice that my mindset is on consistently improving, which I am happy to say is continuing to be successful.

Love?  Romance?  These aren't traits I consider to be in an "improving" person, at least not at this time.  Especially when you consider how much it costs to maintain a relationship with some of my friends, who I will leave unnamed.

Yet here I am, talking about love.

And here I am, wanting to do something special for someone, because although I constantly place it as a fault, almost as a curse, if you've even been reading one word of this....

I still love.

Love is still pain, however, and I'm sure that the feelings aren't mutual.  Pain that I haven't felt in a long time, because I tried really hard to forget, almost destroying my life in the process.

Fortunately, I'm a different person now.  Life has taught me so much.

Time for a new approach...

(my apologies for being so vague.  obscurity is the only way a public person can retain his privacy.)

(also, if this sounds like ranting...well, it is.  i'm stressin....... over love.  curse love and the person who can make me feel this way...)

Man...  I have had one hell of a weekend.

For the moment, that is all I have to say about that.

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Why... thank you Cindy.   I think I learned a little bit more about what I really want out of this test.

One love.

Of all the things that I am... there is one thing that I am not.  That is my position as a religious man.  There are things in life I understand, and things I don't.  I don't live in ignorance of them, but I am always open in mind to understanding them.  The Bible is one such instrument.  I've read it, from cover to cover, many times.   And, I've realized, I'll never truly understand every word, if any word at all.  However, on occassion, I find it to be a delightful, and enlightening book.  Take this passage, from Romans 12, for example:

9 Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.

¹⁰ Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
¹¹ Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;

¹² Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
¹³ Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
¹⁵ Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
¹⁶ Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.

¹⁷ Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
¹⁸ If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
¹⁹ Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
²⁰ Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
²¹ Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

This world...  it's not perfect.  It was never meant to be perfect, because life is about the struggles.  You don't need to be religious to realize this. 

This week has been quite interesting, in that I was involved in some kind of drama earlier this week, one I'd prefer not to discuss, but for the sake of learning, I will bring it up.   A few days ago, my friends and I were involved in a little "altercation" over something we were not involved in.  A bunch of drunk people decided to pick on my friends, and in the process, I ended up in the middle of something I should not have been a part of.  A fight ensued... My friend, who I shall leave unnamed, was being ganged up on and I knew I could have taken them on.  Well, not by numbers, for there were many more of them than there were of us, and although we could have easily taken them on in a fair fight, the numbers were against us. For a brief moment, I was considering retaliation, because in a time before... in a life that has long since come to pass... I would have.   We, as humans, should always consider ourselves first.  I had every right to fight back, because in the end, we should do anything and everything we can to defend ourselves. 

Life has taken me a long way, however, and as far as I can see, for the better.  Call it maturity, or a moment of reality. But, instead of taking them head on, and getting jumped with my friend, I tried to stop the fight.  Perhaps I didn't pick the best way to stop a fight, but I felt compelled to stop the madness at the moment.  My friend was getting punched all over the place, and for whatever reason, instead of hitting them from behind, I did something... strange.  I jumped in front of the gang, and hugged my friend, hoping to take the blows and stop the madness.  Granted, I didn't fare very well in this action, considering I was kicked in the jaw and the kidney really hard, and we ended up having to run.  However, I also saw the strangest thing.  As I was allowing my anger to get the best of me, someone I didn't know, someone on THEIR side, came and grabbed me, and dragged me away from the struggle.   

A moment of contradiction...  someone who I never met before in my life, and had every opportunity to jump in and send me to whatever God I believe in, decided to help me.  He even defended me from further injury.  This person, who I do not know, and will probably never know, showed me a moment of truth, with his moment of kindness.

However, this moment of truth didn't come to me until a couple of days after.  For, a few days ago, I was with a few of my friends at the local watering hole, watching them drink up.  I had a drug test the next day, so I decided to play designated driver for the night.  Being sober with a group of drunk people is definitely not my idea of a fun night.  But, I'm glad I was, because something in my mind told me I needed to keep my wits.  Well, to continue...  My friends were having a few drinks, and then one of the girls decided to take a phone call outside. 

Everyone's having a good time...  laughs... smiles... the definition of friendship.   Then this girl returns, in tears.  Naturally, we're all concerned.  Things haven't been going well for her, because she lost the one that she loves.  Unfortunately, the man she had in her life, he's a friend of mine as well, and as much as it tears me up inside, I can't do much about it.  Life is life.  We learn to live with what we've got, and learn to live with what we've lost.  It's like I heard in a song:

"It's always the darkest right before the sun rises..."

However, in the intoxicated mind, a different theory arises.  Sometimes, a line is the shortest distance between two points. 

"Please dont despise and go against all brothers
and have a hatred in your heart and take it out on another..."

So, instead of being the true moral support everyone needs, her friends cultivate her hatred, and increase her tension.  Now, her friends are my friends as well, and as I watch them hand her a crutch, I feel my heart fall from its place in my chest.  They tell her things that she wants to hear, which is one form of support.  The group talks negatively about my friend, and it saddens me, for we all know each other, and in the ideal world, should support each other.  Her friends are my friends, and my friends are HIS friends...  Why do we support such feelings by allowing them to continue?  Saying things that we don't necessarily mean at the moment?  

Now, I realize that there are some things I say that may be misinterpreted, but for this reason, I will clear it up for you.  When I say, "You can do better than him/her."  or, "He/she doesn't deserve someone like you."  think a little harder about the meaning.   We're all destined to be with someone in our lives.  I truly believe that.  If a relationship doesn't work out, then seek something better.  It's not wrong to grieve over something lost, for we all have our sentimental moments together.  At the same time, realize that there is someone better out there for YOU.  And well, that person that you lost, they don't deserve someone like you, they deserve to be with someone they truly love, as do YOU.  We all do.

However, the hate needs to stop, because it gets in the way of everybody else.  Sides get chosen, people get hurt.  Eventually, in time, a line will get crossed that can't ever be erased.  I would never like to see that day, because I've always been about love.  I care about both sides, very much.  However, nobody likes "a habitiual line-stepper", and when I say that, I mean it in both ways.  One, I hate hearing about how one dislikes the other, and two, I hate the fact that I can only spend time with one or the other, when just a moment ago, it was acceptable.  What's worse is the things I have to hear other people say, because in the end, I'm never really sure if they really meant it, or if they're really taking sides. 

So here I am, at the moment of truth...

I've lived a long time, seen a lot of things, and I've been to many places.  This week, however, will remain forever in my memory because of the contradictions I've seen this week.  On one side, I saw my enemy become my friend, for which I will be forever grateful.  On the other hand, I saw my friends support hate, which I could never learn to love.  All of this ties into the main line of the passage I had copied down for your understanding:

²¹ Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Even evil intentions can be overcome with good.  I learned that from the moment at the park, when I was saved by one who had no reason to save me.

Also...

Don't say things you may not mean, and if you do... man up to it.  Say it to their face.

Jerry Maguire was almost right.  As he said,  "We live in cynical world..."  At times, we do.  It's human nature to believe in the worst of people.  Hatred, selfishness, and contempt... these words torture us every single day, making us believe that the world could never be any better than what we abhor.

Then...

The sun rises... a new day starts... and maybe...

Just maybe...

I'll realize that the world isn't such a bad place, after all....